Mxyzptlk's Christmas Stories
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: COMPLETE! A magical, musical Christmas spectacular! Everybody's favourite imp from the fifth dimension shares some very weird Xmas tales, while the Woodland Critters try to spoil everyone's fun. Rated for some gore and language.
1. Jingle Bell Schlock

It's December now, so I felt I had to write something Christmassy, so I am, and involving everyone's favourite imp from the fifth dimension to boot! Quick warning: this story is very, very weird.

* * *

Christmas was coming, the goose was getting fat and all that stuff. With only two weeks towards the 'big day', just about every cartoon character you could think of had the obligatory visions of sugar plums in their head and anticipation for fields of presents, so most of them found themselves going to the annual 'Toon Christmas Festival' to help nurture their festive spirits to the fullest. This year's festival had even promised a live performance from famed imaginary friend band 'Pizza Party'.

The car parks were filled, and in through the gates came several cartoons and their families, the adults looking at the stalls, the children chattering away with some engaged in miniature battles of some kind. They passed through several stalls, one selling 'Sweaters from Around the World', another stocking ancient Christmas albums and one run by Comic Book Guy selling props from the failed live-action remake of 'Christmas Ape'.

Soon, the time came when 'Bloppy Pants' and his friends came on stage with instruments in hand, and with a blow on the microphone, all eyes were on the stage. "Hello, all," said Bloppy Pants, fiddling with the microphone, "I'd like to thank you for coming, and since we're all excited for Santa's big arrival, we wrote this song about it. Hit it!"

(Sing to Surfin' USA by the Beach Boys)

_Hope everybody gets a present,  
__Given on Christmas Day  
__The gift presented by Santa,  
__He's cool I should say  
__You've seen him wearing his booties,  
__Half-moon glasses too  
__A bushy bushy white hairdo  
__He comes on Christmas Day._

_You'll see them waiting at Dimmsdale,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__City of Townsville too,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__Metropolis and Gotham,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__Pingu in his igloo,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__All over Foster's Home  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__And in the Milky Way  
__(Merry, merry,)  
__We're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_We'll all be lighting up our roof,  
__He's gonna come real soon,  
__We're hanging up our stockings,  
__We don't want no gloom,  
__It's the best time of the winter,  
__Our favourite holiday,  
__Tell Easter Bunny that he sucks,  
__We prefer Christmas day._

_The Griffins and Simpsons,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__Billy and Mandy,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__Danny Phantom and June Lee,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__Whiskers and Brandy,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__And all the Weekenders,  
__(Merry, merry, Christmas day)  
__At Bahia Bay,  
__(Merry, merry)  
__We're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_We're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_We're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_We're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_Yeah, we're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day._

_Yeah, we're waiting for Santa  
__To come on Christmas Day..._

Most of the crowd cheered, but Lisa Simpson just sat there, slumped over and bored. "C'mon! Couldn't they think of their own tune?" She added with a sigh, "Creativity is dead." Bart had found the whole thing dull too, and considering neither of them wanted to join their mother and baby sister in shopping for fur coats or see their father try to win the eggnog-drinking contest, they couldn't really think of any other alternatives. Getting out of their seats, they just decided to wander around aimlessly until they found something of remote entertainment value.

After walking past Peter Griffin trying to sell copies of his Christmas album, Batman giving a talk about how Christmas is just as depressing as any other day and something with nutmeg, they came to a 'Storytime with Santa' for the kiddies. However, the only 'kiddy' there was young Butters Stotch, waiting impatiently for Santa who was apparently off feeding reindeer. Bart and Lisa joined him, a why-not-it's-not-like-there's-anything-better-to-do attitude shared between them.

"Oh boy!" said Butters as Bart and Lisa walked in, "_Santa's_ gonna come and tell us _stories_!"

Always one to tick off people he thought beneath him, Bart said, "Geez, it's probably just gonna be some fat drunk guy working just to cover gambling losses!"

Lisa was about to say something when, POOF! A figure appeared on Santa's throne, with a book in its hands. Whatever it was, it only resembled Santa in its wardrobe, being only three feet tall with a gigantic head atop its tiny shoulders. And it was _floating_. "Cool," was the only response Bart gave.

"Hi kids!" said 'Santa', waving. While Butters clapped, the Simpson kids just stared. "Now you're here to hear some good old-fashioned Yuletide tales. Well, have I got a treat for you!" Immediately he showed the cover of his book: 'Mr. Mxyzptlk's Christmas Anthology' in gold letters, with a picture of a little man that resembled 'Santa' only with a purple bowler and suit. Lisa swore she saw the picture wink. "So kids," continued Santa, opening his book, "do any of you like parties?"

"I do!" cried Butters, "But one time I made a mess and my Dad…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, spare me your life story. I mean, let me tell you about the rockingest Christmas party there ever was…"

* * *

**JINGLE BELL SCHLOCK**

_Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands an ancient castle. Deep within this dank and uninviting place, lives Berk…_

"**BERK!** Where's my food?"

Berk, a huge blue lump of a creature, hurried with his 'culinary masterpiece' made from various scunges and mildew to appease his grumbling master upstairs, that hideous blob. When Berk was done stirring, he plopped his 'accomplishment' into a bowl and sent it up the dumb-waiter, following up this good deed by slumping down by his friend, Boni the skull.

"I say, Berk," said Boni, "you seem to be more melancholy than usual."

"Sorry, Boni. It's just that Christmas is coming and it ain't all that festive bein' pushed around by ol' Wobblybum!"

"I agree, it would be nice to have an old-fashioned Christmas around this place. It can get so_ boring_!"

"Well, I would put some decorations up, but Drutt and 'is nippers ate them all!" Five small spiders emerged from a closet, tinsel in their mouths. "Not to mention we never get any carol singers."

"I suppose we'll have to grin and bear it, Berk, old chap."

"Aw, geez, if that ain't loser talk, I don't know what is!" came a mysterious voice. This noise frightened Berk, who turned his attention towards the castle's trap door, thinking a monster had escaped yet again. The trap door was closed though. "Over here!" In the corner of the large room stood a little man in a purple suit and matching bowler, with a huge head. When Berk noticed the little creature's presence, he walked up to it with curiosity.

"And who are you?"

"The name's Mr. Mxyzptlk!" said the man, bowing like a Victorian gentleman.

"Wot a funny name!"

"If I had a nickel…anyway, I heard you want a little Christmas shindig 'round here! To tell you the truth, this place could use some sprucing up!"

Berk stared at the cobwebs and debris lying where there should be trees and garlands. "You can say that again."

"So what I'm thinking here is, I make a couple adjustments and we have the swingiest party in toon history!" To illustrate this point, Mxyzptlk magically made himself wear disco clothes and busted a move before returning to his normal attire.

"But what about Ol' Blubberguts upstairs?"

"Blubberguts, Schmubberguts!" Mxyzptlk clicked his fingers, and suddenly, things felt _different_. A quick check upstairs confirmed it; Him Upstairs had vanished.

"Oh globbits," said Berk, "I can't say I like the looks of this."

"You worry too much, Berk, old pal," said Mxyzptlk, "You gotta live more! After all you've been through, doncha deserve a break?"

At that, a musical number began.

(Sing to Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs)

**MXYZPTLK**

_Forget the big lump who will never stop  
__He makes you cook things and wash the pots  
__Shouldn't work for a guy who makes you labour  
__Screaming upstairs like a ferocious boar_

**BERK**

_I wish that you'd help me  
__'Cos all I hope to see  
__Is a brilliant ol shindig  
__Something really big_

**MXYZPTLK**

_Too much time spent washing the slime up  
__You gotta be living it before your time's up  
__Running after some stupid beasties  
__When you should be having a great big feastie_

_So just listen to me  
__'Cos I'm gonna make you see  
__Mxy's party that'll end them all,  
__I swear you'll have a ball!_

With a flash, Mxyzptlk instantly made the castle's mould and mildew disappear. Snow-white wallpaper adorned the walls, tables with food were laid out, and garlands of holly hung from the ceiling.

**BERK**

_Oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good_

**MXYZPTLK**

_Great parties give you lots of glory  
__This'll be the greatest in toon history_

**BERK**

_Stone me Mx, this is quite impressive  
__You're so much fun and you're not repressive_

**BONI**

_I have a splitting headache  
__So give the singing a break_

**MXYZPTLK**

_Yorick here is such a buzzkill  
__Wish you'd give him a pill._

**BERK**

_Oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good  
__And oh my word, thanks Mxyzptlk  
__The old castle never looked this good_

During a musical interlude, Mxyzptlk made more party things appear; mince pies, party hats, noisemakers and watchmen rattles. Berk salivated with excitement.

**MXYZPTLK**

_I am the great Mxyzptlk  
__And I'm gonna make this party rock  
__And I am the great Mxyzptlk  
__And I'm gonna make this party rock  
__And I am the great Mxyzptlk  
__And I'm gonna make this party rock  
__And I am the great Mxyzptlk  
__And I'm gonna make this party rock_

"I must say, Mx, that was some great number there!"

"Please, Berk," sighed Boni, "It's given me quite a headache."

"Hey, what's Christmas without a couple of songs here and there?" said Mxyzptlk, "Now, with all the party stuff done, here's the guest list!"

Boni gulped, despite not having a throat. "Guest list?" Sure enough, Mxyzptlk made a guest list appear and Boni read it. "Shrek?"

"If he can't clear out a room after the party's over, no-one can!"

"Milk and Cheese?"

"They're the ultimate party animals!"

"The Joker?"

"What's a party without him?"

"Pingu?"

"What? I like Pingu!"

"I say, when does this party begin?"

"Why tonight, of course! Everyone was alright about being invited on short notice, after all!" Both Berk and Boni turned to each other with worried looks.

* * *

The night of the party came, and Berk, now decked in a tux, paced around nervously, checking the snacks and decorations as much as he could. "Doncha worry," said Mxyzptlk, also all dressed up, "Just leave everything to me. Have fun."

A knock knock knock. Just as Berk walked over to answer, the door exploded off its hinges, meaning that the Joker had made his grand entrance. "I'm Mr. Green Christmas! I'm Mr. _Hot_!" Boni sighed, knowing this wasn't going to end well. "Mxy!" With that gleeful cry, Joker ran to Mxyzptlk, pinching his cheeks, "Long time no see! No hard feelings about stealing your powers and creating chaos, eh? Oh, almost forgot! I brought some friends to join in the fun! C'mon in, boys!" Berk looked outside and saw that almost every single Batman villain had come to join the party; Two-Face, Scarecrow, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Killer Croc, Riddler, etc all walked in and dug in to the snacks, placing on their party hats. With a groan, Mxyzptlk conjured up a special table for them all to talk at.

"Hey, hey, who got da party!" Mxyzptlk's face lightened up when he saw the anthropomorphic head of cheese and carton of milk burst through the doorway. "I'm Milk, he's Cheese, we wanna party please!" The two food products immediately grabbed some beers and started drinking.

"Woah, I want some beer too!" said Berk.

"Milk and Cheese share _beer_? Truly you art a lunatic." While Berk certainly had second thoughts at this point, there was nothing he could do about, because more cartoons had come and the party was in full swing. Therefore, he felt the best thing to do would be to join in the fun and dance to the music. Such a thing was more difficult than he would have hoped as he saw Milk and Cheese abandoning their beers and hopping around the room breaking things and yelling, "MERV GRIFFIN!" over and over again. They had left some beers behind, which were now being guzzled down by Pingu.

Meanwhile, sitting at their table, the villains of Gotham City were all laughing their heads off at a punchline Joker had told, when a red-headed teenage girl approached them.

"Are you the Joker?" she said, "Oh my gosh, I'm Vicky, and you're like, my idol!" She held out a comic. "Will you sign my copy of Killing Joke?" Using a pen with the blood of his victims instead of ink, Joker did as she requested. Then she joined in their discussion of death and murder, popular conversation topics where they came from.

"You think _you're_ fat?" Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin had found themselves in a piano duel. "I'm so fat," said Homer, "when I sit around the house I really sit around the house."

"Geez," said Peter, "You're even more obnoxious than…"

"You _always_ have to do those cutaways like a moron, don't you?"

"Hey! It's my thing! And you're a moron!"

"You're a moron!"

A talking towel with bloodshot eyes leapt on one of the pianos and said, "You're a towel!" Both pianos were then smashed to pieces by Milk and Cheese's wild rampage and they were joined by Pingu, who now had a five-o'-clock shadow and dark circles under his eyes.

"Ooh," moaned Boni, "I do wish this party would end. The guests are getting far too wild."

"Listen to this guy," said Mxyzptlk, suddenly appearing next to the skull, "What a buzzkill!" With that, Mxyzptlk threw Boni down the trap door, which the guests thought was just decoration. Seeing this devious act, Berk took a plummet down the door to find Boni; Joker and Vicky only laughed.

After sliding down into a dingy, cobweb-infested series of catacombs, Berk began to search for his friend, certain he'd have to fight off at least one malevolent creature. However, as he made his way down the tunnel, he saw carcasses of several hideous monsters, with green blood oozing all over the floor. "Oh globbits." At that point, he saw none other than Santa Claus, his once jolly robes in shreds, his skin scarred and bleeding, a machine gun in one hand and Boni in the other.

"Thank God you found me!" said Santa.

"Who trapped you here, Santa?" asked Berk.

"It was the Grinch…"

"But the Grinch is nice now!"

"It was his son, Grinch Junior, who wants to avenge his father's being forced into the Christmas spirit!"

"That's right! And you'll never stop me!" Just then, Grinch Junior appeared and he had huge muscles and a plasma gun. He fired the plasma gun at Santa, but he rolled over to avoid the attack. Berk decided to help out by throwing some slime in Grinch Junior's eyes, blinding him for a few moments.

Then, "JUDO CHOP!" Berk performed a 'judo chop' right at Grinch Junior's gut, knocking him over. The plasma gun clattered on the floor, giving Santa the perfect opportunity to grab it and blast Grinch Junior's head off. With Grinch Junior dead, Berk, Boni and Santa travelled the catacombs to find a way out. Eventually, they found a passage that led back to the castle, but when they got there, the party was over. Everybody had left, except Pingu, collapsed in a pile of drunken drool, Vicky, knocked unconscious by Harley Quinn and Mxyzptlk himself.

"OK, blue boy," he said to Berk, "Party's over, here's the bill!" Needless to say, Mxyzptlk's bill was really long like in those slapstick cartoons, and, following on from this, Berk's eyes popped.

"Don't worry, Berk," said Santa, "I'll loan you the money."

"Oh, thank you."

"You just have to do a few odd jobs…"

So Berk had to temporarily be one of Santa's elves, making toy choo-choos while being ordered about by an angry elf on steroids. "MOVE IT! My grandma can work faster than you! I've seen better-looking choo-choos in the scrapyard!"

And just when it looked like things couldn't get any worse… "**BERK**! What's the big idea sendin' me to the North Pole?"

* * *

"So, kiddies," said 'Santa' to Bart, Lisa and Butters, "What'd ya think?"

"It was pretty lame," said Lisa, "but it was pretty creepy how you knew about Dad."

"Lis, that story had everything!" said Bart, "Parties, drunken rages, judo chops!"

"I liked it," said Butters, "except the part where Grinch Junior died."

"Well, wait 'til you kids getta load of my next story!"

Meanwhile, on a hill overlooking the festival, a group of cute woodland critters stood and cringed at the toons celebrating.

"Oh, phooey," said a bear, called Beary Bear, "we were supposed to build our demonic temple of evil there today!" The whole crowd sighed.

"Aw, c'mon, y'all, don't be down!" said a squirrel, Squirrelly Squirrel, "We can still build our temple, and feed our bloodlust while we're at it!" The critters all cheered, hatching up a devious plot.

* * *

Do these critters sound familiar to you South Park fans? They should...

I know some of you may not know who Berk and Boni are, well, they're from an old show called 'The Trap Door', which has some eps available on YouTube.

Join us next time for Mxy's next story, and whether the critters' plan will come to fruition, or maybe not.


	2. A Christmas Caribou

And heere's the obligatory Christmas Carol spoof. I know I've already done a Brandy and Mr. Whiskers one, but this one's _totally_ different, _totally_. OK, it's actually more based on all those cartoon Xmas specials where some characters dress up as ghosts to scare a mean character into changing (see All Dogs Christmas Carol, Bugs Bunny Christmas Carol, Sabrina cartoon etc.)

Oh, and it's also based on Caribou Kitchen! Never heard of that show? Don't blame you. Well, I just thought that the main character of that show (a caribou named Claudia) would take some offence to being obscure while the other toon stars are getting fame and fortune and well...

* * *

After deciding to wreak their bloody vengeance upon the unsuspecting cartoons, the Woodland Critters paced around, deciding what to do.

"I say we tear open their bodies with chainsaws," said Beary Bear, "then drink their blood and eat their organs!"

"No!" said Deery Deer, "We use our satanic powers to set them all on fire and watch them slowly suffer and roast to a crisp!"

"Those are good ideas, y'all," said Squirrelly Squirrel, acting as their ringleader, "but I think we need something _bigger_…"

Back at the Christmas festival, Lisa was about to leave, when Bart made her stay and listen to the little Santa's next Christmas tale…

* * *

**A CHRISTMAS CARIBOU**

The story begins with our hero, Mr. Mxyzptlk, the little man with the big head. It was Christmas Eve and he had been getting into the spirit of things by playing about in the snow; throwing snowballs at unsuspecting minors, making snow angels and building a snowman which somehow came to life when he added a top hat.

"Happy Birthday!" cried the snowman.

"You and McGurk should meet sometime, you'd be great pals!" The snowman didn't know what Mxyzptlk meant by this so he left. Still not had his fill of fun, Mxyzptlk floated around looking for some more fun activities. He knew a good time when he saw it, and was certain he would find a good time in that sad-looking anteater, sitting on a bench in scarf and coat. "Hi, guy," said the imp, popping up by the anteater, "Why the long face? No pun intended, of course."

"Oh, it's my friend, Claudia. She hasn't been herself ever since our show got cancelled and forgotten. She's been a right…well…"

"Oh, go ahead and say it, it's not like anyone's gonna censor you."

The anteater decided against it. "I want to invite her to my sister's Christmas party tomorrow, but I don't think she'll come."

"Forget her! I'll be your new friend! The name's Mr. Mxyzptlk!"

After unsuccessfully trying to pronounce the name, the anteater shook Mxyzptlk's hand. "Abe Anteater."

"Boy, that name's original. Now what do you wanna do, Abe, ol' buddy? Bother some carollers? Roast some chestnuts? Annoy people with Chipmunk songs?"

At that moment, who should Abe see walking down the street but Claudia herself, an unkempt old caribou wearing a trenchcoat, having a smoke. The anteater decided it was now or never, so he walked on over to her, ignoring the little man. "Hi," was all he said and she ignored him. "Um, Merry Christmas."

"I'm not in the mood right now."

"Well, if you want, maybe you'd like to come to my sister's Christmas party. I mean, her son, Little Lenny, is very ill and…"

"I said I'm _not_ in the mood!"

Abe rolled his eyes. "It's because our show never got a major Christmas special, isn't it?" No response. "Because of the landlord?" No answer. "Because you think Santa having reindeer is slave labour?"

"BUZZ OFF!" Royally annoyed, Claudia slapped Abe in the face and walked away.

"Boy, is she a grouch!" said Mxyzptlk, appearing out of nowhere.

"Maybe I should just forget about her…"

"Come to think of it," said Mxyzptlk, seeing a challenge, "perhaps being her friend and all, you could help melt her icy heart!"

"How!"

"With a little musical number!" With a POOF!, Abe found himself in top hat and tails, singing a song to Claudia:

(sing to Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison)

_Petty woman, worst I've ever seen  
__Petty woman, acting oh so mean  
__Petty woman  
__I don't believe you're so long in tooth  
__Look on the bright side, please, just do  
__Oh geez_

_Petty woman, why'd you have that frown?  
__Petty woman, turn it upside down  
__Petty woman  
__I think you're grouchy as can be  
__So you just listen to me  
__Geez_

_Petty woman, so hostile  
__Petty woman, oh so vile  
__Petty woman, give a smile for me  
__Petty woman, ho ho ho  
__Petty woman, don't be like Moe  
__Petty woman, don't feel low today  
__'Cause I'm your friend, I treat you right  
__Come on Claudia, cheer up tonight_

_Petty woman, I'm a nice guy  
__Petty woman, don't go deny  
__P__etty woman, don't walk away, hey...oh great_

Since Claudia had done nothing but ignore the number, Abe made Mxyzptlk change his top hat and tails back to a winter coat and scarf and decided to go on home.

"Wait!" yelled Mxyzptlk, "Would you believe I have a Plan B?"

"Therapy?"

"No, you and me team up to scare the _Dickens_ out of ol' Bullwinkle!"

Night fell, and after her nightly excursion to the pub to drown her troubles, Claudia returned to her apartment, with no decorations aside from the twig of a Christmas tree, and rent still overdue. As she unlocked her door, she thought back to what she did to Abe on the street and felt a harsh pang of guilt in her gut. One of her closest friends and she went and treated him like yesterday's trash. Still, she thought, she'd make it up to him with a present. All she had to do was scoop up some ants and put them in a jar, and he'd be satisfied for another year.

It was hard to find the Christmas spirit in this dump, or even find a smidge of festivity. The sleigh bells had been replaced by the wailing of police sirens, and the elves and snowmen had been replaced by drug dealers and street gangs. Well, at least there was snow, that should have counted for something. Still, the Christmas songs on the radio and Charlie Brown and Frosty on the TV didn't do much for her, and the thought of being doomed to living life as an obscure, forgotten cartoon character without the legions of fanatics the other toons had lingered in her head and refused to die. She swore she sometimes heard the laughter of more famous toons, as they jingled their money, glad that they didn't end up like her. Deciding not to dwell on these thoughts, Claudia decided instead to take a long shower and go to bed.

Outside her room, Mxyzptlk and Abe popped in, with Mxyzptlk dressed as a ghost. "I'm still a bit unsure about this," said Abe, "I mean, sneaking into someone's bedroom, a _woman's_ bedroom at that…"

"You're not sneaking into her bedroom, you dolt, _I_ am. _I'm_ the ghost! I'll call you when I need you, okay?"

"Okay." Before Abe left to rehearse his lines, he asked, "Just one question: are you doing this to help Claudia or is this just for laughs?"

"Hey, you do things your way and let me do things my way." Abe shrugged and left Mxyzptlk to his devices. "Claudia," the imp moaned in a faux-spectral voice, "CLAAAUDIAAA!"

This moaning and wailing made the caribou tumble out of bed, drowsily stumbling around.

"CLAAAUDIA!"

"Is that you, Abe?"

"OOPEN THE DOOOOR! OOOOPEN IT!"

"Alright, alright!" Placing on her bathrobe, Claudia opened the door and almost got a heart attack when she saw Mxyzptlk leap out and moan. "_Fuck_, what's the big idea?"

"I am the Ghost of Christmas! You've been a very bad moose!"

"_Caribou_."

"Whatever."

"Hey, weren't there _three_ of…"

"Enough jibber-jabber! I'm going to review your life and help you see the true meaning of Christmas!" Floating over to a set of drawers, the 'ghost' pulled out Claudia's photo album.

"You leave that alone!"

"Look, I'm just using this to remind you of what a nice moose…deer…thing you used to be!"

"Can't you use your ghost powers or something?"

"I _could_…"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Anyway," said Mxyzptlk, pointing at a photo of Claudia as a child playing soccer, "Look what a happy carefree child you were!"

"I hated soccer. I only played it because Dad wanted a boy."

"Ookay…" Flipping through some pages, Mxyzptlk found another photo. "Look, here you are at your favourite theme park 'Wacky World'."

"They closed that place down after some kid died on the Pirate Ship."

"There's no pleasin' this…" Mxyzptlk mumbled before continuing, "Well, let's see your teenage years…" Upon turning towards a picture of a teenage caribou with enormous zits and crooked teeth, the album was closed. "Woah. That's enough of the past!"

"Look, ghost who sorta sounds like Iago from Aladdin," said Claudia, sighing, "I know what you're trying to do but life's constantly been biting me in the butt and…"

"Complain, complain, complain."

"What was that?"

"I said this haunting's not over yet! We got lots more to see!" In a second, Mxyzptlk grabbed Claudia by the hand and flew out of the window with her as she screamed loudly. "Don't be a crybaby, you're not gonna fall! You're protected by my ghost magic!" The two flew all over the city until they came across none other than Abe Anteater, holding a sheet of paper, which he read from upon seeing the pair.

"Oh, I am going to my sister's without Claudia and I am glad because she's a jerk and I wish she was…" He turned over the sheet of paper. "…dead."

"You see! You've been so mean, even your best friend has turned against you!"

"What's that sheet of paper?"

"His electricity bill!" Claudia gave an angry-sounding guffaw in response. "Now I realise you've been moaning and bitching 'cause no-one remembers you! Well, I think I can remedy that!" With a snap of his fingers, Mxyzptlk made him and Claudia poof to another location.

"Couldn't we have done that instead of all that flying?"

Ignoring her, Mxyzptlk pointed to a teenage boy with glasses and a scar looking at a computer screen in horror. "This is Harry Potter! He's extremely popular, and do you know what this means? Loads of stupid teenage girls write stupid fanfiction and draw terrible art about him, most of which involves mushy love with some dumb Mary-Sue!"

"Well, at least he's getting some recognition…"

"Oh, nobody remembers me, wah, wah, wah…_GIVE IT A REST_!" After taking a moment to calm down, he continued, "You know, Pingu was pretty obscure, but then he wrote and directed his own hit movie!" A film magazine with Pingu's smiling head appeared in Mxyzptlk's hands. "Maybe you should have aspired to something like him."

"Don't remind me…"

"Enough! Time for _Christmas Future_!" The two then had poofed into a graveyard, where Abe stood next to a gravestone with a tuxedo and another sheet of paper.

"Oh, Claudia, you were horrible and I hate…" He turned around the sheet of paper. "You. Kick stone. Oh wait." After his performance, he kicked down the gravestone, which, sure enough, had Claudia's name on it.

"See, Claudia. You are going to die alone and unloved…"

"Thanks for confirming my greatest fear!" So Claudia blew her brains out, and after she died, a group of penguins walked into the cemetery, and, acting as Claudia's pallbearers, dragged her carcass into an open grave.

"I knew I should have checked to see if she had a gun on her!" said Mxyzptlk.

"So all that and she ended up killing herself!" said Abe, slapping his face, "This was utterly a waste of time."

"You know, we need something so we can end this on a light note."

Just then, Mxyzptlk's snowman friend appeared on a unicycle juggling, while all the penguins started tap-dancing.

"That'll do."

* * *

"OK," said Bart, "these are just getting stupid now."

"Poor moose lady," said Butters, wiping away a tear.

"Geez, what a wimp," muttered 'Santa'.

"There you are!" Marge had arrived to pick up Bart and Lisa. "We're going home! I told your father not to have a six-pack after so much eggnog but…"

"I'll still listen to your stories, Santa," said Butters.

* * *

Meanwhile, Danny Phantom had just awoken from being unconscious, and the first thing he saw were a cute group of Christmas critters.

"Hi!" said Squirrelly Squirrel, "You're going to help us wreak our bloody vengeance by being a human host to the evil spirit of Grinch Junior who will use your powers for murder and destruction!"

"And since you're such a beloved hero," said Beary Bear, "there will also be some bitter irony!" The animals all cheered before they began the ceremony.


	3. A Whiskerful Life

Yay! A Brandy and Mr. Whiskers story, based on It's A Wonderful Life! OK, I've never seen the movie, but I have seen the 'Thirty Seconds with Bunnies' version on YouTube as well as the Johnny Bravo and Beavis and Butthead versions, and that's good enough for me.

* * *

"OK, kid, if you're sitting comfortably, here's one more story…"

**A WHISKERFUL LIFE**

"**Whiskers!**" Brandy Harrington's latest scream shook the entire foundations of the jungle.

"Yes, Brandy?" said Whiskers, approaching his friend with trepidation.

"I just have one teeny little question to ask: _WHERE THE HECK IS OUR HOUSE_?"

"Oh, I sold it to Gaspar."

"What?"

"Hold on, in return he gave me this great wallpaper, with cute little duckies on it."

"That would be great _if he had walls to hang it on_!" Feeling like an overworked mother, Brandy dragged Whiskers all the way to Gaspar's temple as Whiskers tried to avoid the gazes of the other jungle animals due to his shame.

"It is so sad you have to take your humble home back, my dear," said Gaspar when greeted by the sight of angry Brandy and sad Whiskers, "My gorillas were having such fun dismantling it." One of Gaspar's henchmen wheeled in pieces of Brandy's home and furniture in a makeshift wheelbarrow, which made her grumble.

"Great."

"Can I help rebuild?"

"No way. I can't trust you with anything without ending up with it _utterly destroyed_!" With another grumble, she took the wheelbarrow and left Whiskers to moan with Gaspar.

"Oh…" moaned Whiskers, "Why is she so mean to me?"

Gaspar chuckled. "Well, because you're annoying, smelly, stupid, and you act like a baby! HIT IT!" Suddenly, Gaspar's gorillas started playing electric guitars and other instruments while Gaspar sung:

(Sing to Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith)

_(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby_

_You made her fall on the shore  
__You wrongly opened the plane door  
__She had lovely life, now she bites  
__Baby we know you're wrong, and it's your fault she fights  
__That's right_

_(Oh, oh)  
__(Oh, oh)_

_One time she's having the time  
__Of her life until you come and say  
__Please give me a hug or I'll cry  
__She then yell her head off  
__And try to blow you away_

_(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby  
__(Oh, oh) You act like a baby..._

This musical number made Whiskers run out of the temple bawling and crying his head off. "WAH! Nobody likes me! Why was I even born!"

Floating above in the sky, watching Whiskers lamenting his loneliness was none other than our hero Mr. Mxyzptlk. "Boy, listen to this guy. And I thought the moose was bad." So annoyed by Whiskers' wailing was he that he made a barf bag materialise from thin air and vomited right in it. "This guy's gonna need someone to turn his frown upside down, and I know _just_ the person!"

Later, Whiskers still sobbed, now sitting by the riverbank with his friend, Ed the Otter. "Now, hey there, Mr. Whiskers, I'm sure this'll all blow over or something of that nature by tomorrow. I mean, this isn't the first time Miss Brandy's gone and blew her top."

"I guess you're right, Ed…"

POOF! Mxyzptlk popped right into the scene, now wearing a white robe and a tinsel halo on a headband. "Hey there, bunny boy! Heard we're a bit down in the dumps, are we not?"

"Oh, weird angel thing with big head, it's true! I don't think Brandy loves me anymore…"

"Well, I'm your guardian angel, here to stop your whi…I mean cheer you up! I'm even going to show you what a dump the world would be like if you had never been born!"

"Ooh, I'm going on a spiritual adventure of self-discovery!"

"Um, yeah, right." With a wave of his hand and strains of harp music to make him seem more angelic, Mxyzptlk brought Whiskers to a post-apocalyptic dystopia. Buildings lay in steaming ruins, corpses littered the ground and blood-red clouds clotted the sky.

"Cool!" said Whiskers in awe, before reality sunk in, or something to that effect, "You mean to say if I had never been born, the world would be really cool and dystopian like in comics?"

"No! I'm saying the world would be a rotting garbage dump had you never been born! And to further drive home that point, let's meet your best friend…" Whiskers gulped, dreading what he was about to see.

After another POOF, the pair found themselves in a ruined city center, where evil robots were forcing a group of peasants to build a statue of Brandy looking proud. Above this scene floated a huge TV screen which showed an evil-looking version of Brandy with an eyepatch and red robes. "WORK! If you don't get that statue finished, I'll kill all of you! HA HA HA!"

"Because you were never born, Brandy was never forced to learn humility and kindness while surviving in the Amazon. Long story short, she stayed rich and spoiled forever and soon went power-mad, took all her family's money and used it to buy the entire world and make everybody suffer. Having an epiphany yet?"

"I knew it!" Whiskers began to cry again. "Brandy _is_ better off without me! Look at how happy she is!"

"Oy vey. Well, let's look at your other friends!" They poofed away to Ed, who lay in a ruined Amazon rainforest, lamenting the loss of his family and loved ones.

"Oh."

"What? If you hadn't been born, he'd have lost everyone he'd ever loved!"

"But look at how much weight he's lost!"

Sighing, Mxyzptlk brought Whiskers to the latter's friend, Lola Boa, who now had a robot suit and was fighting off many evil robots. "Lola has to spend every day of her miserable life fighting Brandy's tyranny!"

"But the robot suit gives her the arms she's wanted, and I like her better as a really cool anti-heroine." Another POOF, and Whiskers found himself in Gaspar's temple, only now in ruins and with Gaspar a bloody corpse. "He deserved it, he was a jerk!"

"Well, ya gotta point there…"

"Oh, it's no use, guardian angel. Despite all the murderous robots and stuff, the world_ is_ a better place without me!" Thus began another bout of crying.

"OK, Bugs, I didn't wanna have to show you this, but…" Yet another POOF, and this time Mxyzptlk and Whiskers were inside Brandy's fortress, where she was laughing maniacally while having a massage from an evil robot henchman.

"Yes, it's so good to be evil!" laughed Brandy.

"Why'd you bring me back here? It only reminds me of what a failure I am…"

Just then, Spongebob Squarepants leapt in with a gun. "I have come to end your reign…" Then he got shot.

"NO!" screamed Whiskers, "Spongebob can't die! Please, I want to live again, I'll be happier!"

* * *

"Oh boy!" said Butters, leaping on his seat, "And then what happened?"

The little Santa was about to finish his story when his book burst into flames. "I knew I should have got insurance!" Just as he said that, flames shot their way towards him, but he 'poofed' out of the way to another location.

He looked up and saw a demonic Danny Phantom.

* * *

Not quite the end! Now Mxyzptlk has to deal with the evil possessed Danny Phantom and the Woodland Critters! Do you think you can handle it, Mx?

Mxyzptlk: What are you doing talking to cartoon characters? You want people to think you're _nuts_?

Umkay then.


	4. THE FINAL BATTLE!

As the flaming Danny Phantom began to attack the attendants of the festival, randomly setting them ablaze and watching them scream in agony, Mxyzptlk changed from the Santa costume into his usual purple suit and matching bowler. "Hey, fire guy! What's the big idea? I had a great thing going here!"

The possessed halfa stopped setting stuff on fire for a minute to chat. "I am the evil spirit of Grinch Junior! My father was once the quintessential grouch, setting the standard of meanieness for all who came after him. But the Whos had to sing that dumb song and make him nice! After that, he wouldn't let me pick on the neighbour's cat and forced me into choir practice! Now, using this halfa host for my spirit, I will have my _revenge_!"

"Blah, blah, blah, something bad happened to me so I'm evil, as if we haven't heard…" A punch to the face cut off Mxyzptlk in mid-insult, and after that, Grinch Junior resumed his rampage as he flew through the air, severing many toons' heads and spurting blood everywhere. "I ain't cleaning that up." The skies turned red and a huge wall of fire and wailing souls rose from the ground, preventing any chance of escape, although some stupid toons tried to bypass it.

With many of the characters either dead or trembling in fear, the ground cracked open, with smoke escaping the fissures, which meant the Woodland Critters had just made their grand entrance.

"Hi, y'all," said Squirrelly, "How do you like our bloodbath of horror? Isn't it fun?"

"Sweet!" said Cartman from behind a pile of ravaged corpses.

"Shut up, fatass!" said Kyle, as the Woodland Critters turned in their direction, "They'll hear you!"

"Don't be such a pussy, Kyle! They're my creations! I'm…" Grinch Junior blasted them both with a firey attack anyway.

"Yay!" said Woodpeckery Woodpecker, "Now we can start work on our temple!"

"Hey!" said Beary Bear, "Why not, first, we feast on these cartoons' corpses?"

"Maybe when our temple is built," said Deery Deer, "we can nail their disembodied limbs on the walls for decoration?"

"Yay!" the critters cried in unison.

"Hey!" Before they could sink their teeth into the carcass of Daffy Duck, the critters found themselves facing an annoyed Mxyzptlk. "Who do you guys think you are, causing the apocalypse and spoiling my fun?"

The critters answered him with a song:

(Sing to Bird Dog by the Everly Brothers)

_CRITTERS;  
__We're worse than the Joker (we're so bad)  
__We'll grab this bitch and choke her (we're that bad)  
__She'll be used for sacrifices (she'll be damned)  
__Then we'll eat her guts with spices (oh so damned)  
__We're worse than the Joker and we make some sacrifices (we're critters!)_

_You think we look so cute (saccharine)  
__You see the cutest critters (ya ever seen)  
__But when we make you empty (your bowels)  
__You see demonic critters__ (on the prowl)  
__While you think we're cutesy we're gonna murder you all (we're critters!)_

_We set this place on fire (we did kill)  
__We'll even build a pyre (yes we will)  
__Well, devil's gonna rule now (so evil!)  
__Won't that be really cool now? (yes it will!)  
__We're gonna take over and we will make this our temple (we're critters!)_

_We're critters and we are straight from Hell,  
__We're critters and we won't treat you well  
__Critters and we don't leave our victims alone_

_PEOPLE STILL ALIVE:  
__Hey, critters oh so satanic  
__Hey, critters who are wrong and sick  
__Critters please go pick on someone your own size_

Upon hearing that verse, Grinch Junior bit the survivors' heads off.

_CRITTERS:  
__We're critters and we are straight from Hell,  
__We're critters and we won't treat you well  
__Critters and we don't leave our victims alone_

_MXYZPTLK:  
__Hey, critters, you better go quit  
__Hey, critters, face Mxyzptlk,  
__Critters you better get away from this place or else!_

"Normally," said Mxyzptlk to himself, "I'd just butt out and leave the schmoes to their own problems, but I never pass up a chance for some good PR."

"You think you can beat us, y'all? We've already won!" said Squirrelly, gesturing to all the corpses.

"Meh, they're expendable. I can still kick your furry butts though, and I'll start by exorcising Hot Stuff over there!" With a flash, Mxyzptlk changed his wardrobe to that of a nightgown and shower cap. "I knew all those episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog would come in handy some day!" While temporarily distracted by Grinch Junior's attempt to set him on fire, he still recited a chant which sounded something like a cheerleader's cheer. "Kick him in the dishpan, whoo whoo whoo? I can see why the demons hate this stuff!"

The exorcism worked, despite the ridiculousness of it, and the spirit of Grinch Junior was removed from Danny Phantom's body. Danny rubbed his head in pain before being blasted into bloody bits by the Woodland Critters' attacks. As the critters began to feast on the bloody bits, Grinch Junior looked for a new body to possess. He found one in the form of Meg Griffin.

"Hey, I'm one of the few _not_ brutally tortured and murdered! Maybe things are looking up," the poor girl said before being possessed. In his new body, Grinch Junior leapt at Mxyzptlk and began to claw at his face. Almost hesitant to retaliate due to what he was forced to look at, Mxyzptlk nonetheless pried off Grinch Junior and threw him right at the Woodland Critters. The spirit exited Meg's body, leaving her to be mauled and torn to pieces as part of a sick sacrifice by the critters. Never gets a break, does she?

Grinch Junior now decided to possess one of the corpses and turn it into a super-powered zombie. Before he had the chance, Mxyzptlk cried, "OK, it was fun at first, but now it's just annoying." To remedy this problem, the imp made a suitcase appear from thin air and trapped Grinch Junior inside it. "Now for you furry freaks!"

Unfortuneately for Mxyzptlk, while he was dealing with Grinch Junior, the critters had drunk the blood of Goku and Vegeta, thus absorbing their abilities and becoming _Super Saiyans_.

Gasping at this development, Mxyzptlk tried to use his magic, but was slammed on the floor by Deery Deer, who proceeded to rapidly kick his face in, before Mxyzptlk escaped by teleporting. This didn't do any good because the minute he moved locations, an array of fireballs shot by Beary Bear hit him in the noggin, giving him a headache, before Squirrelly Squirrel dove for his chest and knocked him right into a ruined stall. As hard as he tried to do something, turn them into bananas, make them disappear, Mxyzptlk found himself unable to perform his usual antics.

"You silly imp!" said Squirrelly, "The combination of our original satanic powers and our new Super Saiyan powers is far greater than your fifth dimensional magic!"

Dazed and confused, Mxyzptlk replied, "Ya don't need to tell me twice!"

Feeling triumphant, Squirrelly Squirrel felt now was the time to bring on the coup de gras. "KA-MAY-HA-MAY" Mxyzptlk cowered in a pile of debris, awaiting pain, but instead…

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Looking up, he saw the critters had all been shot in the head by none other than…

"SANTA!"

An angry-looking Santa stood, complete with machine gun. "You're lucky I came and murdered those sick bastards!"

"What ya talking about? I was gonna cream them until you showed up and ruined everything!"

"Hey, you're the guy that threw that crappy party, aren't ya?"

"And you were stuck down the Trap Door and had to fight off monsters…good times, eh?"

"You've been a very naughty boy, Mxyzptlk. You drove Superman insane, ticked off Bizarro, made that poor caribou kill herself…"

"But I made Mr. Whiskers happy, didn't I?"

"I don't like Mr. Whiskers, even if the world would be a dystopian hell-hole if he had never been born!"

"Can't I have at least one present?"

"You have magic! Can't you just make a present appear?"

"It's nice to receive…"

Santa rolled his eyes. "Just say your name backwards and get the hell out of here."

"What if I wanna stay?" After having a machine gun shoved under his nose, Mxyzptlk did as he was told and disappeared.

With that out of the way, Santa used his Christmas magic to resurrect all the cartoon characters murdered by the critters and rebuild the festival. As the last stall rebuilt itself, everybody turned to Santa and gave a roaring round of cheer and applause, except for Butters, who was still a little confused.

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" yelled Santa.

"Um, excuse me, Santa," Bloppy Pants and his band just approached Santa. "Would you mind if we played a big musical number for the finale?"

"Sure, why not?" said Santa.

"Hey!" cried Bloppy Pants, when he had found his way on stage, "You all excited for Christmas? You better be, 'cause if you're good, you're be getting a visit from the _FAT RED GUY_!" The song began.

(Sing to Rock Lobster by the B-52's)

_After Christmas party  
__Which had mince pies and some dip  
__We go upstairs and slumber  
__Waiting for Red Fat Guy!_

All the cartoons cheered and leapt up and down as the last three words were sung.

_Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy! _

_We were all in bed  
__Everybody had hanging stockings  
__Little me crept out of my bed  
__And then I saw some red  
__And I knew the red  
__It was the Red Fat Guy!_

As the song was sung, Bender went about, stealing random things from random stalls and placing them in his stomach compartment. A drunken Peter Griffin slapped him on the back, causing all the loot to spill out. Peter also accidentally hit the giant chicken, but, since it was Christmas and all, they just laughed and hugged each other.

_Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy!_

_Red Faaat Guy!  
__Red Faaat Guy!_

_Heavin' on Christmas Eve  
__He goes ho ho!  
__Lots of candy  
__Toys so dandy  
__He was by the grate  
__He wasn't late!_

At a stall, Abe was having a swig of cider, when all of a sudden, he saw none other than Claudia, ready to apologise.

"I thought you killed yourself!"

"Here's the thing – this is a stupid fic that makes no sense. Anyway, I'm sorry. Here's a gift card."

_Red, Red_

_Red Fat Guy!  
__Ho, ho..._

_Way up in the sky  
__Reindeer flyin'  
__Flyin' for their pay  
__Flyin' their way  
__Small elves mushin'  
__Snowmen slushin'_

As he hopped on his sleigh, Santa noticed the Joker had stolen one of his sacks. Just before he could do something, Santa saw Joker pull out a teddy bear, which he gave to Harley Quinn. This elicited an 'aww' from some people, before Joker threw all the toys in a wood chipper.

"That," said Joker to Santa, "is for getting me coal instead of a chainsaw!"

_Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy!_

_Red Faaat Guy!  
__Red Faaat Guy!_

Ignoring the Joker's actions, Santa took to the air, and distributed some early gifts.

_Gift paper wrapping,  
__They're toy trappin'  
__Tree lights blinkin'  
__Fruit cake stinkin'_

_Red, Red  
__Red Fat Guy!  
__Ho, ho!_

With Santa flying back to the North Pole, the toons turned their attention towards the music. The penguin pallbearers had returned to form a dance line, and the snowman had returned as well, despite rapidly deteriorating.

_Santa, Ho!  
__Santa, Ho!_

_Let's rock!_

_Toys and soft beanies,  
__Dolls and skateboards  
__Everybody's laughin'  
__Everybody's lunchin'_

_Sittin' round the fire  
__Feelin' nice  
__Roasting the chestnuts  
__Warmin' from the ice_

_Put on your cute hat  
__Give ball to your cat  
__Watch the robin flutter  
__Let's build a snowman  
__Let's go 'Ho Ho', man!  
__Let's watch the Heat Miser  
__Also the Cold Miser  
__Scrooge, the Old Miser  
__Let's watch the red robin  
__Watch out for that Grinch guy  
__Let's eat a mince pie  
__Here comes a reindeer!_

_Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy!  
__Red Fat Guy!_

"Excuse me?" After the song was over, the attendants turned their attention towards a strange short man with a sweater-vest and a creepy mask that resembled a ventriloquist's dummy. "Now that the song is over, I have some very nice Christmas stories to share that I'm sure the kids will love." Everyone felt a slight chill.

Back at the fifth dimension, Mxyzptlk sat on his couch in a huff, not paying attention to his girlfriend dangling the mistletoe over his face.

"I'm not in the mood, Gsptlsnz."

Just then, Grinch Junior's spirit floated out of the briefcase with some mistletoe of his own.

"Are you in the mood to give _me_ a kiss?"

**YAY, IT'S OVER!**


End file.
